Tag Archives: Family Comes First Mediation

Statsitics Say Kids are Happier

Years ago I recall talking with a friend who was in a very unhappy marriage. Each time we met she would tell me how many more years, months, weeks she had to endure her marriage until she could finally get out. She was staying for her daughter. Innocently, I asked, “Don’t you think your daughter would rather see her mom happy and divorced than in a marriage that makes her miserable?” She thought about it and the next time we met she told me she was leaving. I had no idea that my question had so much impact.

My friend, like many others, believed her daughter didn’t know that she and her husband were miserable. But, she came to find out, that a child’s perception often overrules our ability to camouflage. It then occurred to her that although her daughter was merely eight years old; she wanted to provide her with the role model of a strong and happy woman and that was no longer possible while married to her husband. I won’t go into the details, but in time they were divorced, learned to parent together from two households and their daughter has acclimated to the situation.

Curious, having read a recent poll claiming that 82% of those aged 14 to 22 who have endured family breakups would prefer their parents to part if they are unhappy, I asked my friend if she ever talked to her daughter about the differences from then to now. At eleven, her daughter clearly articulated that it was so much better this way. “Everyone is happier.”

That same survey revealed that adults and older children of divorced families say that they realized later on that it was for the best. This does not mean, by any means, that divorce is easy on anyone, but it does somehow attest to the long standing notion that staying together for the children is not the answer.

The answer is (drumroll please)…making divorce and co-parenting work…which again is not always an easy feat, but is certainly possible and leaves open much more opportunity for everyone involved.

Adjusting to Shared Custody

Adjusting to shared custody during or after a divorce can be one of the most difficult parts of starting a new life. The periods of separation can be tough and even challenging, particularly when the wounds of divorce are still fresh. Letting go of trying to be a part of the children’s every moment is probably one of the most arduous parts, but for the sake of both the parents and the children; it is beneficial.

Children, who may be used to spending more time with one parent or another can also experience some form of separation anxiety. Try to find positive and creative ways to communicate with your children while they are visiting your former spouse without stepping on the toes of the other parent. It is important to allow him or her to parent; which is why co-parenting and communication is so important.

Rather than waiting for your children to call you whenever they feel like it, which may make kids worry about making the other parent feel betrayed or jealous, you can initiate a call. Arrange to ring at regular times, so you both can look forward to catching up, and your ex can arrange for them to be available when you call.

Do keep the calls brief though. Do not take a lot of their time away from the other parent and certainly keep your conversation positive. Although you may miss them terribly and feel sad; do not tell them as this may make them feel badly for the absent parent; sparking feelings of guilt. Tell them a funny story. Smile, even if it is forced.

Do not use your children as messengers. Keep adult business between you and your ex. Also, do not interrogate them about what your ex-partner does. You will have to learn to trust that he or she loves them as much as you do and therefore is doing his/her best to parent them.

When the children are away for longer periods of time; sending a letter or card can be a great way to stay in touch. Tell them all about your daily activities and plans for when you see them again. Emails work too and may allow them to write back, but don’t be offended if they don’t. Text messages are also a great way to keep in touch with older kids.

Skyping or Facetime is always a great option. You can chat with your children about daily activities or just blow them a kiss over the webcam. This is where that forced smile may come into play, but it will come more naturally with time. Once again, do not monopolize their time.

Children often sound distant or feel shy when they are with the other parent; as they may believe they are betraying the other parent. Don’t be offended. Rather, explain to them when they are with you that it’s okay to love both parents.

Remember, if your kids are immersed in activities with their other parent, that’s a good thing. It means they’re having too much fun to miss you. Let them be carefree and happy; they’ll still have plenty of love for you when they come back.